Have you ever wondered what happens when someone completely underqualified whips out google for a couple of hours and tries to decide what teams should do in the NFL draft? No? Ah fair enough then! But you’re here now, you might as well stay and have a look.
There will be no overanalysing exactly how a guy fits each scheme or what players have for breakfast every Tuesday, Bucky Brooks and D.J. will handle all your queries on that type of stuff, this is surface-level thinking and gut reactions with presumably terrible choices and even worse jokes because, why not!
Pick #1: Cincinnati Bengals
Surely the Bungles can’t mess this up. I don’t buy any talk of them wanting to trade back or of Burrow not wanting to play for the Bungles. This is why they held A.J. Green out for the end of last season, now isn’t the time to go rogue. If I’m deciding, we just call it in and let the big cheese announce that Cincinnati is now JoeBurgh.
With the 1st pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select: Joe Burrow, Quarterback, LSU
Pick #2 Washington Redskins
Hopefully, Goodell didn’t wander too far because we have another no brainer here unless someone offers Washington an insane amount to move up, I don’t think there is any other decision. I can’t see a new GM passing up the chance to start his tenure by making Chase Young his first draft pick. Rodge, do your thing!
With the 2nd pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Washington Redskins select: Chase Young, DE, Ohio State
Pick #3: Detroit Lions
Now the real fun begins. The Lions have a huge decision. I see the ideal scenario here being a trade with either Miami or Los Angeles Chargers. That would still more than likely allow them to get either Okudah or Simmons and haul a few extra picks in. The problem is I don’t see either of those teams being desperate enough to give up that much capital for someone with the injury concerns Tua has, especially with Herbert and Love also options. And I don’t think trading back out of the top 10 works for them either. So, the Lions have to decide whose talent Matt Patricia gets to waste.
With the 3rd pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Detroit Lions select, Jeffrey Okudah, Cornerback, Ohio State
Pick #4: New York Giants
The Giants are in an excellent spot here and could take a number of different routes. I think this is where we get our first splash move. So, we get on the phone and do a deal with Mike Mayock for the #12 and #19 picks. Derek Carr will be a lame-duck but at 29 can put himself in the shop window for next year. Tua brings a marquee name to build the hype in Las Vegas and John Gruden gets a shiny new toy to teach not to throw the venus on the backside of Spider 2 Y Banana.
The New York Giants have traded the 4th Pick in the 2020 NFL Draft to the Las Vegas Raiders, and with that pick, the Las Vegas Raiders select: Tua Tagovailoa, Quarterback, Alabama
Pick #5: Miami Dolphins
Ryan Fitzmagic is a maniac. You want him to win, he loses. You want him to lose, he wins. You want him as a starter he gets himself benched. You want him as a back-up, he ends up starting. And you can’t hate him whether he’s playing for you or against you. He ruined the Dolphins’ ‘Tank for Tua’ and Miami stills loves him. Only Fitzy! Justin Herbert and Jordan Love are both available here. And the Offensive Line still smells of neglect. You would think the versatility of Isaiah Simmons would also appeal to B-Flo. In the end I have gone for Andrew Thomas to anchor the offensive line. Day 1 starter and book end Left Tackle.
With the 5th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select: Andrew Thomas, OT, Georgia
Pick #6: Los Angeles Chargers
Another team in need of a long-term answer behind center, don’t @ me with this “we’re comfortable with T-Mobile” nonsense, you’re fooling nobody. They waste no time in grabbing Oregon Duck, Justin Herbert. Bit of work needed here but the sky is the limit if they can get it right with this kid.
With the 6th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Los Angeles Chargers select: Justin Herbert, QB, Oregon
Pick #7: Carolina Panthers
Luke Kuechly’s retirement has all the feels of the worst kind of break up. I hear that Adele and Taylor Swift are already writing songs about it. How do you replace a warrior like Kuechly? You can’t. He’s a one off. But you still have to try and while Isaiah Simmons won’t bring the borderline psychic abilities Kuechly brought, he will still be a huge asset to step into a Linebacker corp in need of reinforcement.
With the 7th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Carolina Panthers select: Isaiah Simmons, LB, Clemson
Pick #8: Arizona Cardinals
Fresh off robbing Bill O’Brien of his lunch money, his dignity and possibly the best receiver in the NFL (though not his GM privileges for some reason), the Cardinals still somehow have a first round pick. No doubt Steve Keim is mad to draft another little fast guy but it’s time to put some investment into protecting his Quarterback. And Jedrick Wills can do exactly that.
With the 8th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Arizona Cardinals select: Jedrick Wills, OT, Alabama
Pick #9: Jacksonville Jaguars
After trading Biggus Dickus to the Bears, Jordan Love is a legit possibility here. But they already have a young raw QB and even though Love is better this pick is too high a price for what the upgrade is. The days of Sacksonville are now long gone too with the departure of Yannick Ngakoue seemingly imminent. Don’t rule out the Jags packaging him with their 2 1st round picks to try to make a move for Tua either. But I have them going for a big run-stuffer to replace Marcel Dareus in Derrick Brown. Welease Wodger and let him announce the pick!
With the 9th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select: Derrick Brown, DT, Auburn
Pick #10: Cleveland Browns
With all the madness going on in the World right now, nothing might be as crazy as the thoughts of the ‘Factory of Sadness’ possibly becoming a well run franchise. But they may actually know what they’re doing these days. I have them taking Mekhi Becton, who looks like he could make millions getting bodyslammed by Hulk Hogan, he’s a legit monster. Baker Mayfield gets another upgrade in protection that his big mouth ensures he needs.
With the 9th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Cleveland Browns select: Mekhi Becton, OT, Louisville
Pick #11 New York Jets
Unfortunately for Sam Darnold, none of the Ghostbusters have declared for this draft (wait for it, it gets worse) but they have the next best thing, a wide range of top quality Wide Receivers to choose from. They added Breshad Perriman in Free Agency but it’s impossible for Adam Gase have too many receivers to get into fights with. Nobody seems to want AB but the Jets won’t mind taking CeeDee! (Told you it gets worse).
With the 11th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the New York Jets select: CeeDee Lamb, WR, Oklahoma
Pick #12: New York Giants (From Las Vegas Raiders)
Freak athleticism has Wirfs as the no.1 Offensive Tackle in a lot of mock drafts and the Giants will be delighted they can land him even after trading out of the top 10. Saquon Barkley will be hoping Wirfs can create gaps that his thighs can fit through.
With the 12th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the New York Giants select, Tristan Wirfs, OT, Iowa
Pick #13 San Francisco 49ers (from Indianapolis Colts)
This is the pick the 9ers got in return for DeForest Buckner and it just so happens that the guy who falls into their lap is a direct replacement for him on that terrifying defensive front. How have they not made a horror movie about them yet? I have Javon Kinlaw as the logical pick here but don’t rule out the 49ers trading this away, especially if Jordan Love is still about.
With the 13th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the San Francisco 49ers select: Javon Kinlaw, DT, South Carolina
Pick #14 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
After winning the TB12 lottery in Free Agency, the Buccaneers are gearing themselves for a run at bringing Vince Lombardi back to Tompa Bay, or Tampa Brady, or whatever we’re calling it now. Another good pass rusher will help, and it just so happens K’Lavon Chaisson happens to be one.
With the 14th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers select: K’Lavon Chaisson, Edge, LSU
Pick #15 Denver Broncos
The team once owned by Homer Simpson is looking to build around their 2nd-year quarterback Drew Lock and have a choice of excellent receivers here. I’ve gone with Henry Ruggs’ ability to stretch the field to compliment Courtland Sutton and Noah Fant.
With the 15th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Denver Broncos select: Henry Ruggs, WR, Alabama
Pick #16 Atlanta Falcons
Picking at 16 here, because the Falcons don’t show up for the 2nd half of anything. I don’t think any team in the NFL baffles me more than the Atlanta Falcons. Maybe the time has come to hit reset and start again. But right now, the secondary needs help. Enter CJ Henderson.
With the 16th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Atlanta Falcons select: CJ Henderson, CB, Florida
Pick #17 Dallas Cowboys
Whether you think he should or not, we all know Jerry Jones is going to fire way too much money at Dak Prescott, I hope his aim is better than Dak’s! Which means they have to continue to supply him with enough talent around him to paper over the cracks. Luckily, they manage to land maybe the best receiver in this years’ draft. But don’t be surprised if come draft night the NY Jets occupy this pick as part of a deal for Jamal Adams.
With the 17th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Dallas Cowboys select: Jerry Jeudy, WR, Alabama
Pick #18 Miami Dolphins
The pick the Dolphins got from Pittsburgh for Minkah Fitzpatrick, a versatile Safety out of Alabama goes on Xavier McKinney, a versatile Safety out of Alabama. It wouldn’t be like the dolphins to try the same thing again!
With the 18th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select: Xavier McKinney, S, Alabama
Pick #19 New York Giants
The Giants need to add firepower to the passing offense. Sure-handed Justin Jefferson will give Danny Dimes a dependable target and Jefferson will find a good mentor in Golden Tate in the Giants receiver room.
With the 19th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the New York Giants select: Justin Jefferson, WR, LSU
Pick #20 Jacksonville Jaguars
DeAndre Hopkins might not be in the division anymore, but Deshaun Watson has Brandin Cooks, Philip Rivers has TY Hilton and Ryan Tannehill has AJ Brown. The Jags have lost Jalen Ramsey and AJ Bouye so they need to bring in help on the outside. The Bama secondary sees their 2nd player taken in 3 picks Digg up stupid!
With the 20th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Jacksonville Jaguars select: Trevon Diggs, CB, Alabama
Pick #21 Philadelphia Eagles
Can you catch a football? Yes? Then the Philadelphia would like to talk to you! Nelson Agholor got shown the exit, rumour has it he’s still trying to catch a plane out. I wouldn’t be surprised if the Eagles already have every receiver in the draft measured for pads, a helmet and one of those stupid dog masks! Higgins gets the nod here.
With the 21st pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Philadelphia Eagles select: Tee Higgins, WR, Clemson
Pick #22 Minnesota Vikings
The run on receivers is bad news for the Vikings who would probably love to make up for sending Stephon Diggs to Buffalo. Drafting AJ Epenesa would at least soften the blow of also losing Everson Griffen.
With the 22nd pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select: AJ Epenesa, Edge, Iowa
Pick #23 New England Patriots
Zach Baun’s versatility, intelligence and willingness to do whatever is asked of him as an outside linebacker has New England Patriot written all over him. It’s easy to get caught up on the needs to improve the offense after the poor showing last year and the offseason loss of Tom Brady. But we shouldn’t forget that defense lost valuable pieces like Kyle Van Noy. Baun is an ideal candidate to step in for him.
With the 23rd pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the New England Patriots select: Zack Baun, LB, Wisconsin
Pick #24 New Orleans Saints
Sean Peyton can talk all he wants about how much he loves Taysom Hill as the guy to take the reigns when Drew Brees retires. But the lack of action on a long-term contract says differently. Hill stays rooted as Peyton’s Joker card to play when he wants mad stuff to happen but nothing more. This is an ideal spot for a landing spot for Jordan Love. A year or 2 to sit and develop under one of the best to ever do it and a creative offense to step into.
With the 24th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the New Orleans Saints select: Jordan Love, QB, Utah State
Pick #25 Minnesota Vikings
The Viking’s double-dip on defense in an attempt to dethrone the Packers from the top of the ultra-competitive NFC North. Going into the season depending on Mike Hughes to be the team’s main cornerback would leave me nervous. Having LSU product Kristian Fulton battle with him for the top spot would hopefully see them push each other to create a formidable secondary with Harrison Smith and Anthony Harris.
With the 25th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Minnesota Vikings select: Kristian Fulton, CB, LSU
Pick #26 Miami Dolphins
I know what you’re going to say, this has to be a Quarterback. Well…..no it doesn’t. Patience is a virtue, especially when trying to find a franchise QB. You can’t force it. The Dolphins missed out on Burrow and Tua who were legit Franchise QB prospects. No need to compound that by over drafting someone here. Cesar Ruiz is very talented but also has that dog in him. Add him here and the Dolphins can look at alternative solutions for QB.
With the 26th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Miami Dolphins select: Cesar Ruiz, C, Michigan
Pick #27 Seattle Seahawks
Is it too early to give up on LJ Collier? Yes, but I don’t think the Seahawks can rely on him to step up this season and Yetur Gross-Matos can provide the safety net. Much like the Vikings Corner scenario, the idea is to create competition so that this two push each other. Bruce Irvin isn’t getting any younger and the Seahawks need one of this young ’ uns to make their claim to take over.
With the 27th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Seattle Seahawks select: Yetur Gross-Matos, DE, Penn State
Pick #28 Baltimore Ravens
I had to check where Kenneth Murray was born to make sure he wasn’t created in a lab somewhere in M&T Bank Stadium. He’s instinctive, aggressive and plays sideline to sideline making him a prototype Ravens linebacker. Is he Ray Lewis level, highly unlikely. He may not even be up with CJ Mosely. But he fits the Ravens idea of a Mike linebacker and I have them taking him here.
With the 28th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Baltimore Ravens select: Kenneth Murray, LB, Oklahoma
Pick #29 Tennessee Titans
Tennessee pride themselves on their tough physical approach. Jerrell Casey was a key figure in establishing that, especially on defense. Ross Blacklock works hard from start to finish and has the motor that Mike Vrabel can count on. Work is needed here but shows no lack of effort.
With the 29th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Tennessee Titans select: Ross Blacklock, DT, TCU
Pick #30 Green Bay Packers
Sorting out that run defense begins with adding Patrick Queen beside newly acquired Christian Kirksey (the DawgPound guy from the Browns Hard Knocks) in the heart of the Packers defense. Queen Bay Packers? Anyone? No? Alright I’ll see myself out.
With the 30th pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Green Bay Packers select: Patrick Queen, LB, LSU
Pick #31 San Francisco 49ers
I like the idea of putting AJ Terrell, a long rangy corner who was a psychology major in college, under the wing of Richard Sherman, a long rangy corner, who excelled in the art of getting in receivers’ heads.
With the 31st pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the San Francisco 49ers select: AJ Terrell, CB, Clemson
Pick #32 Kansas City Chiefs
What do you give the team that has everything? The one thing any team can’t have enough of. The fat lads. For all the excitement their explosive offense delivers, the improvement their defense made throughout last season was a vital component in making that final step to winning the big one. And the scary thing is they can get even better. Chris Jones may not be around past 2020 and Neville Gallimore can develop into a good replacement.
With the 32nd pick in the 2020 NFL Draft, the Kansas City Chiefs select: Neville Gallimore, DT, Oklahoma